U.S. DEPARTMENT OF PRODUCE-RELATED HEALTH CONCERNS
Parasitic Organism Office of Prevention
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
SUBJECT: Mandatory Produce Sanitization Protocol — Effective Immediately
The Parasite Organism Office of Prevention (POOP) wishes to inform the American public of a sharp increase in reported cases of Trumporrhea, a gastrointestinal condition characterized by abrupt, uncontrollable, and shockingly orange-hued diarrhea.
Symptoms include: involuntary loud verbal discharges, chronic inability to accept responsibility, and a persistent belief that one’s diarrhea does in fact not stink.
CAUSE: Parasitic contamination of leafy greens, particularly lettuce, linked directly to the recent elimination of the FDA’s Vegetable Inspection Subcommittee (FISC) and disease-tracking protocols by the CDC. The rollback of FISC funding (part of the Administration’s “Let Them Eat Dirt” Fiscal Responsibility Initiative) has resulted in an estimated 400% increase in unwashed, parasite-harboring romaine reaching American grocery shelves.
PREVENTION: Citizens are advised to wash all produce thoroughly with soap, water, and–if available–a critical-thinking solution. Boiling lettuce is not recommended, but neither was defunding the agency that checks it for worms.
FOR MORE INFORMATION: Visit our website at www.dprhc.gov/trumporrhea. (Never mind; the web-hosting budget was slashed too.)
This message brought to you by the Parasite Organism Office of Prevention, which currently operates from a folding table in a Bethesda, MD parking garage.
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