Now this song is pure parody, about Walmart. It appeared on Substack in early March 2026. The lyrics are all about how that corporation messes up my grocery orders all the time. So I decided to say something about it. (Going back to the idea how you can either laugh or cry about a problem, right? I choose to laugh.)
~FloxMonster™, July 19, 2026
Every week, Walmart screws up my grocery orders. I’m housebound, so I can’t just go down there and fix it. But yes, every week, at least some of my stuff ends up in somebody else’s home.
What can I do? I tried talking to customer service. I tried talking to the store manager. They won’t fix it. And they won’t redeliver. They say I have to reorder the groceries and wait for a (usually very slow) refund. Well, that’s spending the same money twice, when dollars are already tight.
Nope, you know what? I’m done.
My response: here’s a ridiculous song to mock their utter incompetence. Now we can laugh about it.
Take that, Walmart!
Where’s My Cookies
“Where’s My Cookies” (The Walmart Grift Rhythm)
by Wyvern Dryke
[Verse 1]
Ordered snacks online,
Now I'm feelin' kind of proud.
Bought all my groceries,
Now don't gotta face the crowds.
The doorbell rings
Like it's Christmas day.
Open up the box
…What the heck, it's hairspray??
[Pre-Chorus]
Who’s out there
Stealin' all my snacks?
Feasting on my fare,
Now I gotta face the facts.
Walmart never
Gets my order straight.
Takes forever
Ships the wrong damn freight.
[Chorus]
Walmart, dude,
Why you play me like that?
I said "dinners"
You sent "diapers" super-pack.
Someone’s kid gets my pizza tonight
And I’m stuck eatin' flippin' beans nobody likes.
Walmart, dude,
How you mess it this bad?
Some other family got my groceries in their bag.
I don’t need diapers
They don’t need my treats
Your effin' game
Is so effin' weak!
[Verse 2]
Receipt says “great.”
Reality says “nope!”
I got kitty litter, bro. No cat.
Where's my soap?
A stranger’s cookin' tacos
With my lettuce and cheese.
I’m scrolling through support
Typing “help me, help me, please!"
[Pre-Chorus]
Who’s sittin' back
With my chill ice tea?
Livin' on my snacks,
Livin' up rent-free?
It's a grift; pay the price,
Cause you gotta get it done.
You gotta buy it twice,
Ask for a refund.
[Chorus]
Walmart, dude,
Why you play me like that?
I said "dinners"
You sent "diapers" super-pack
Someone’s kid gets my pizza tonight
And I’m stuck eatin' flippin' beans nobody likes.
Walmart, dude,
How you mess it this bad?
Some other family got my groceries in their bag.
I don’t need diapers
They don’t need my treats
Your effin' game
Is so effin' weak!
[Bridge]
Driver at my door like,
“Sign right here.”
I’m holding up a toothbrush
And holding back tears.
“Whose life is this?
I just can't say!
Where my chewy cookies?
Did you give 'em away?"
[Chorus]
Walmart, dude,
Why you play me like that?
I said "dinners"
You sent "diapers" super-pack
Someone’s kid gets my pizza tonight
And I’m stuck eatin' flippin' beans nobody likes.
Walmart, dude,
How you mess it this bad?
Some other family got my groceries in their bag.
I don’t need diapers
They don’t need my treats
Your effin' game
Is so effin' weak!
What the F, Walmart,
Can I just please get
What I clicked this week?
(c)2026 Wyvern Dryke - All Rights Reserved
Hear the Song
I made this into a catchy dance tune with the help of Suno, an AI tool. Link:
https://suno.com/s/CoZmFkofhQDuIUXe 🎶🛍️