Category: Health

So What’s it Like Having Anxiety?

A friend of mine asked recently what living with panic and anxiety is like. I described it as a sort of hidden weight, which develops gradually into a quiet trauma. Because I have lived with my condition since the mid 1990s, I am unfortunately quite familiar with the concept.

After I gave my friend the answer, though, I realized… it could apply to any chronic condition, such as fibromyalgia, cancer, depression, rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, and so on. They all share the same hidden burden.

So here’s what I told my friend. I nicknamed it, “The Backpack Theory”.

You Asked Me to Describe Anxiety and Panic.

I will try. Having chronic anxiety, or an anxiety disorder, is like carrying an invisible backpack full of enormous books. It weighs you down, and everyone can see you are struggling beneath the weight. Except no one can see the actual backpack. So they stare and wonder why you are trembling, faltering, looking so strained.

Some days the backpack has just a few books. Other days, it feels like the whole damn library. But you still must carry it; the backpack is strapped to you, like it or not. So you forge onward, staggering beneath its weight, because you simply have no choice.

Some days you feel utterly overwhelmed. You say to yourself, “I wish I were dead, I cannot handle this backpack, it is killing me.” And that is when you become desperate and a little bit crazy. You start thinking about hurting yourself, or perhaps doing drugs, or drinking. Personally, I don’t do drugs or drink, but many people do.

When that happened to me, several years ago, I said this has to stop. I’ve had enough. So I made a vow to myself that I would seek treatment, and stick with it, no matter what. Because I realized, after going through this misery for so many years, that I deserved to feel better. I deserved to get these damn books off my back. … At least a few of them, anyway.

I still carry that backpack, but it’s lighter now that I’m getting help.

So that’s what it’s like.

Spread Awareness and Understanding

I’m posting my experience here with the hope of spreading awareness and understanding. Anxiety, depression, and other chronic conditions have a devastating and often invisible cost: a lasting and usually-unacknowledged trauma.

Contributing Factors

Part of the problem is, most doctors are trained to treat the outward symptoms of disease, but not the emotional burden. Therefore, they neglect to notice (or simply cannot treat) the grinding, day-to-day weight of the disease itself. I don’t mean the physical symptoms, but the collateral damage: feeling too tired to go outside, being unable to enjoy holiday gatherings, missing your friends, hurting all the time, not getting enough sleep, and so on. These costs add up over time to create a significant loss to quality of life. That is the burden I mean.

This burden goes unaddressed, and thus deepens over time. The person with the chronic disease gradually comes to the realization (correct or not) that they will forever be saddled with this burden… and no one can help them. That is how it develops into trauma.

There is a second contributing factor to this trauma: the stigma baked into Western society. For centuries, we have all been conditioned not to discuss mental illness–or as I prefer to call it, mental wellness. For a very long time, the topic has been taboo. People with psychiatric or emotional imbalances have been viewed as a family shame, locked away, or even accused of demonic possession. That sort of social stigma is as ridiculous as it is outrageous.

Mental Illness is Real Illness.

Because remember, mental wellness depends on very real, physical conditions… just like any illness. It happens because brain structure begins to change and chemical levels shift, in response to environmental and internal factors. Dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, and other neurotransmitters are affected, changing the way our brains respond to the world around us. I am oversimplifying it for the sake of brevity, but you can read more at the links behind this asterisk.*

As intelligent human beings, we absolutely must discuss this topic with empathy, rather than stigmatize or shame the patient. Would such a thing happen to someone suffering a fever, due to a flu? Of course not. So why does it happen often to someone suffering trauma or depression, due to a different illness? What nonsense. Our society needs to wake up and embrace a modern view of mental wellness.

Our Perspective

We who live with these chronic conditions carry not just the illness, but the additional burden of an unrelenting pressure: we are not well, and we do not feel well. We are always uncomfortable. Other people go about their daily lives with adequate energy, a positive mindset, and a body that feels okay. We have none of that. We are always exhausted. We are frequently scared, sad, frustrated, worried, or hopeless. And our bodies? Let’s not even go there.

Now, I say this not for pity, but for perspective. I wish to convey the situation so that others might understand. It’s important to perceive, and to acknowledge, the trauma of always being sick which weighs on top of the original illness.

You’re Not Alone!

So let us turn to brighter themes. If you have a chronic condition, please hang in there! You are not alone. Others are just like you, and they understand what you are going through. If you are in need, reach out and talk to someone. Try friends, family, support groups, therapists. You can also contact the (United States) nationwide 988 Crisis Line: call or text “988” with your phone, or visit the 988 website to chat for free support.

Also, if you know someone with a chronic condition, take a moment to go talk to them, or maybe even hug them. It is very important that they feel seen and heard. They might not even acknowledge the “invisible backpack” that they’re carrying… but it’s weighing them down, regardless.

Let’s share some compassion and love.
We are all in this life together. <3

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* – I typed the neurotransmitter info from my own knowledge, but here are some sources you can use for verification and more research:

Flarey, Dominick. “The Impact of Neurotransmitters on Mental Health,” American Institute of Healthcare Professionals, Jan 26, 2024. https://aihcp.net/2024/01/26/neurotransmitters-and-mental-health/

Hartman, Christine, Ph.D. “The 4 Neurotransmitters that are Crucial to Mental Health,” The Rogue Scientist, Aug, 1, 2021, https://roguescientist.co/the-4-neurotransmitters-that-are-crucial-to-mental-health/

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